Fit enough to hang on and fat enough to stay inside

This weekend back in 1999 I was a passenger in my own 4-Runner driven by my high school friend Joe McCann. We were hit broadside in Odessa at midnight by a girl running a red light. There was no alcohol in our car and Joe doesn’t drink. I wasn’t buckled and we rolled over several times. I held onto that idiot strap and afterwards my fingertips were purple. The auto shifter sheared in half and gouged my left leg. The webbed windshield fell into the car and slapped me across the face. The back of my seat broke. And I went out the window at least once but momentum threw me back inside because I would not let go. I had a bear claw hideous “gouge out” the size of Pennsylvania on the right side of my lower back. There were hematomas on my shins the size of baseballs.

I was “Live at the Improv” and running my routine. I thanked these guys for taking care of me and if I’d won a million dollars I’d have given it to them quickly before I came to my senses. My motto after the entire ordeal was “Fit enough to hang on and fat enough to stay inside.” I am a lucky dog!

I DON’T GET IT - Like most sports fans I know, I don’t watch the NBA until the playoffs and I wouldn’t go to a Sixers game if I had a free seat next to Mo Cheeks or anyone’s cheeks. How are mediocre players signing contracts for $65 million for five years? I just don’t see where all the revenue comes from.

The Washington Wizards are poised to offer Gilbert Arenas a $130 million contract because he is good and so entertaining in that he actually has a personality and yells “hibachi “when he burns someone for a three-pointer.

BUOYANCY - The Rehoboth Biathlon will allow wetsuits this July 5 for the half-mile swim in the ocean; wetsuits are recommended by the National Triathlon Association anytime the water is colder than 78 degrees. Rehoboth is just a half-mile swim with the current, but more crazy fit people with body fat percentages that would kick them off a high school wrestling team by rule - not to mention children under 10 - are entering triathlons and instant hypothermia is a concern.

Another concern is that a wetsuit keeps those naturally inclined to sink on the surface of the water thereby canceling their naturally inherited genetic disadvantage. A few years ago Sports Illustrated said, “Anything that ends with ‘alon’ is not a sport.”

WATER POLO - Back in the glory days of the 1970s, every Thursday morning the Rehoboth Beach Patrol, stocked with square football bodies who could pull a dozer from the raging surf if it were eight strokes from shore, would gather for a fierce game of water polo, which was like rugby in the wet sand. If you were smart or had your spine rattled a few times you went to play in deep water but you would play otherwise you were ousted from the fraternity.

I tried to tackle Woody once - that was like playing Bull in the Ring with the Billy Goat machine - and he just kept going. But I saw Bill Collick drop him and I knew the only time I was getting near Bill was when we rode home together. Water polo went away - just too dangerous - and too bad because with half the squad women, I’d be back up on the wet sand quicker than you can say, “Charge this buoy.”

SNIPPETS - The Phillies are clinging to first place although they have been struggling. Brent Myers is now pitching for the Iron Pigs of Allentown and has a good chance of being named “Pig of the Week” in the local Allentown Morning Call newspaper if he can get his curve ball over the plate.

Best quarter I ever spent.