Granny rolls large and in charge in South Philly spin class

A Bally Total Fitness Club in South Philadelphia forgot to tell Grandmom the policy of reserving certain bikes in advance of spin class had been changed to a lottery. And so some desk person with really bad judgment told a retired school secretary from Overbrook High School, a black no-joke grandmother, to get off the bike and I’m sure she said something like “You stand there for the next hundred years and see if I get off this bike!” The 45-minute class commenced, and with 15 minutes remaining two Philadelphia cops arrived and ordered her off the bike. Then she really snapped, no doubt saying disparaging things about the size and shape of their heads, so one pulled her off the bike onto the floor and the other gave her a night stick whack in the back. In the fracas she broke her thumb. She was taken to the station by paddy wagon, and then thrown into a holding cell. But wait! Gramps, who spent 27 years on the Philadelphia police force and was in the middle of the two celebrated police confrontations with Move, the radical back-to-nature group that lived communally in row houses, showed up to bail and wail his wife out of jail. He was cussed out and treated rather rudely. The woman is due in court for a preliminary hearing on charges that include aggravated assault, disorderly conduct, simple assault and recklessly endangering another person. Granny rolls large and in charge in South Philly spin class.  Yank a granny off a bike at any gym, and get ready for World War III.

DUST BUNNY - A dust bunny is what the nuns used to call pussy willows, and we fourth-graders would all laugh and get smacked, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t picking up pussy willows under my desk.  I laughed when I read somewhere in a police report that a woman in a snowy parking lot was arrested for shooting air up her nose with a dust destroyer. I guess it’s covered under the huffing aerosols section of the drug law. I think maybe this Bunny was unable to get to spin class, so she had to artificially induce the high that comes after a good workout.

FREE DOCTORATE - Embedded in all jokes is the absolute truth, so when I say I have no desire to ever be inducted into a hall of fame again – the first one folded – I am not joking, which means I am serious. But when I say I wish some university would award me an honorary doctorate for doing nothing so I could order stuff online as Dr. Fredman and make Dr. Fred-dog reservations at Big Fish, I am joking, which means of course I’m serious. Bill Cosby is Dr. Cosby honored by Temple, and I feel I’m smarter than Bill, and he isn’t funny anymore so right now I’m funnier. Now Bobby Knight has been chosen the graduation speaker at Trine University in Indiana and will be awarded an honorary doctor of public service degree in recognition of his commitment to improving the lives of young people. Knight was a “straight up” bully during his coaching career focusing his aggressive rants almost entirely on white players and round-shouldered media slobs. I like Bobby “White Knight”– play on words – but never believed he was all that.

SNIPPETS - Scholastic sports practices and sports schedules are so backed up and whacked out the power grid is topsy-turvy, which may mean those totally psycho teams, the ones that have been all over the place, may rise up and take a bite out of some favorites.

This is the time for some real coaching when teams can’t practice and can’t play. Once teams come back out of the barn, it’s an entire new ballgame.

Keep checking www.websites4sports for the latest updates. Cape ’s winter/indoor track teams are scheduled for a season-ending state meet Sunday, Feb. 20. Practice and conditioning have been impossible, and I can tell you the Cape girls have a shot at the big prize although Tatnall and Delcastle will also score big points. 

Driving on roads blitzed by a blizzard is as athletic an endeavor as any sport. And it proved to me what I already knew: Most people are not very athletic but at least they make bad decisions with the wrong equipment.

The Lincoln Town Car driving into an unplowed highway crossover was one of my favorites.

If the universe is nothing more than an infinite number of cable channels, then Earth must be Comedy Central.