I envision a forest of tie-dyed rodents with heightened startle reflexes

The last week was a blur of football bowl games and pro games and playoff permutations. And how can the brainy NFL set itself up to rerun three games this wild-card weekend that ended the regular season. Philly goes back to Dallas, Green Bay again at Arizona and the Jets at Cincinnati. The Ravens are the only fresh game as they play at New England.

Late last Sunday as my hip-hop clock struck “midnight you ain’t right” I persecuted myself listening to Howard Eskin and Vai Sekehema talk about why the Eagles were rolled 24-0 by the Cowboys. Eskin, who never played a down in his life, wears fur coats on the sidelines at home games and is a personal apologist for Andy Reid, who thinks Eskin is his dog. He was all about talking football strategy and personnel and how the Cowboys rubbed it in by keeping Tony Romo in the game. The Bengals, Cowboys, Patriots and Cardinals are all favorites this coming weekend.

GUNS AND ROSES - Welcome to the jungle that is my back yard. Squirrels climb, rip and gouge grooves in my Audubon Society bird feeders so no self-respecting bird will come to party. I don’t shoot and kill animals, but I am willing to go pneumatic paint ball on their barking butts. I envision a forest of tie-dyed rodents with heightened startle reflexes. I’m paying for meals so at least I should have some fun.

I did shoot – with a Nikon - a sickly baby deer last Sunday morning who was being shadowed by a half dozen turkey buzzards and was saddened I couldn’t help this creature. But nature is beautiful in its random cruelty and insensitivity - so my grandmother told me.

COMFORT ZONE – HGH, the human growth hormone, will make your skull grow bigger after the soft spot of common sense has long since closed. I have discovered the antithesis of “getting all big” - I call it the “anorexic old guy.” Sometimes I just use slang like “picket fence head,” the rules first discovered by house cats: “If your ears touch on the way in you won’t be able to pull your head back out.”

A back to high school longtime friend and Vietnam infantry veteran Terry Gallagher  “hit me” on Facebook with his new, narrow face so I called him on it and he said iPhotos distort images and make a normal head look half its size. I only wish I were joking.

BOBBY AND JOE - Joe Paterno is 82, won his 24th bowl game over LSU then commented on 80-year-old Bobby Bowden’s retirement: “I wish the kid good luck.”

Bowden’s wife of 60 years - old what’s-her-name - don’t get mad, you don’t know either - kissed him on the cheek and said, ”All right, you can come home now” and coach Bowden responded, ”OK, I’ll see you tonight.”

Bowden Madden, coach Bowden’s 15-year-old grandson, was killed in a traffic accident in September 2004 which is why Bowden doesn’t cry over football careers - he knows the pain of real loss.

SNIPPETS - Seventeen teams completed week nine of the Sussex County Dart League with J.D. Shuckers’ Last Call in the lead over the Gray Hare Chargers. And if Tiger Woods is the Athlete of the Decade then a dart thrower should be in the top 10.

What about Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas, mixing horseplay and gun play in the Wizards locker room with Javaris Crittenton after practice - gambling debt not paid - and now his $130 million contract may be nullified.

But the bigger question is: “Who is Javaris Crittenton?”  If you made a half million dollars for the next 30 years you would still be eight million shy of the money owed injured Tracy McGrady for this season. The money is just stupid - where does it come from?