Just duck if you see a Pittsburgh transplant headed your way

There are no cool clothes for big guys, which is why I wear double X Under Armour every day except for the occasional gift shirt like my Greene Turtle from the girls lacrosse team - a present for making fun of Greene Turtle lacrosse - or the double X Shamrock Par 3 golf shirt with collar out of Milton that Bobby Stenger tossed through my window at the Five Points light, followed by “I can’t afford a billboard, so here” and something about Debbie getting a hole in one.

Cape Gazette golf columnist Fritz Schranck - sounds like a personal problem - recently passed me at the office and, yes, he does look like Steve Carell the actor clad in his DelDOT lawyer business ensemble and said, “An old white guy wearing cargo shorts - talk about a social faux pas.”

Nobody needs Gramps on the deck of the Rudder listening to Love Seed or banging the banter about on Facebook. I can’t put on my left sock - hip surgery only weeks away.

Last Sunday morning near the end of the pack of finishers at the Outlet Liquors 5K, Jimbo Lyons, on the far side of 70 and exceeding the speed limit of social decorum, was powering toward the finish chute. He is a back of the packer but relentlessly focused and tough. Tribes and inconsiderate types crossed Jim’s path, some with their mangy third-world dogs on a leash. But Jim was oblivious searching for a sign, then suddenly screamed, “Where’s the freaking clock?” or words to that effect. Jimbo rocks it old school and does the post-race party shirtless. Is that a social faux pas?

DEAN OF PEPPERS - Sussex County is filled with Peppers, all of whom play on the salt team in a pickup basketball game. The road-running Peppers keep attracting new family members. It started with Tim, then Dylan. I saw Ryan jump into a race and recently Uncle Dean, who made a serious run at my camera near the finish chute of the Outlet Liquors 5K. You know when the crew of cousins from Milton gets serious with road running the bodies will start to fly.

TWO TICKETS TO PITTSBURGH - Just duck if you see a Pittsburgh transplant heading in your direction. Not only do they pull out the Super Bowl with an Iron City Beer League style quarterback leading a comeback, but then shock the hockey world, small as it is, by beating the Red Wings in game seven in Joe Louis Arena with Muhammad Ali “in the ice house.” The march of the Penguins began in Philadelphia with the clubs tied in points for the season, which means blink and the Flyers win the Stanley Cup. Seriously, I believe the Stanley Cup is the most hotly contested trophy in all of professional sports. It is a grind just following a team.

FLYERS NEW GOALIE - Many beer-gorged fans of professional sports can become blatantly racist when their empty lives go even more devoid of solid matter following a home team loss. I have heard McNabb taken down and even Kevin Curtis for being too white for a primary receiver.

And now the Flyers have signed Ray “Razor” Emery, who is not African-American but Canadian, and he is most certainly a young man of color. Emery is from Ottawa, a North American city most hockey fans couldn’t find with both hands and a Tom-Tom. Emery grew up an academic/athletic prodigy once causing NHL controversy by having a picture of Mike Tyson painted on his mask. FlyTyson painted on his mask. Flyer fans are excited about this kid and they will embrace him so long as he can play!

SNIPPETS - A group of reasonable men cannot reach down into the T-ball stage of their personality development and bark at each other over minor league all-star selections without my hearing about it because I am in more loops than the night watchman at the Hula-Hoop factory.

Forget arguing and go right to fighting - that would be more entertaining for the greater community. You just can’t beat a minor league domestic disturbance with adults throwing down. I will say this: Never argue the merits of one kid by running down another, especially if the run-over child’s father is actually in the room.

By the way, for all you would-be coaches, there is no such thing as “helping out a little when I can.”

And a note to all adults who find their way into press boxes and scoring tables: “No cheering” is the No. 1 rule of professionalism so totally ignored at most high school venues, but the press box and scoring tables are not places for biased relatives to sit and work.

Junior lifeguard programs are beginning this week, including the state parks, Rehoboth and Dewey. These are all excellent programs, and the young kids take a lot of pride in being lifeguards.

Last week I saw a queen-sized woman pick up a child’s inner tube in front of the Dollar Tree. Our eyes met and she snapped, “Did I say it was for me?”