Viewers will legitimize anything as a sport

If you were an aging, rescued-from-the-pound “sorta-spaniel” with a dash of poodle thrown in just lounging off the pitch of an up-and-down soccer game played on hard dirt and wafting dust when suddenly the game ball rolled by followed by a player in hot pursuit hurdling your prone and passive body, what would you do? Louie Dog did not hesitate; he did the head on a swivel air snap “Protecting His House!” That suddenly serendipitous scene was hilarious enough without the player in question being John Tabler, Louie’s owner and best friend. John tried to make up with Louie at halftime by shaking his paw and saying no hard feelings, but Louie was not in forgiveness mode.

CORNER CONVERSIONS - I am such a loser lying in bed late last Wednesday night watching a field hockey game on a laptop computer sent to me without narration but brilliant high definition. If it weren’t for Carrie Lingo being on the United States team, I’d have watched the Phillies lose to the mediocre Dodgers for the third night in a row, which is worse than watching Olympic field hockey under the covers. Germany beat the United States 4-2, scoring on three corners coming on set plays that left the Americans flat footed and out of position.

Answers vary from a shoulder shrug to “Every time,” but my experience watching high school is that most times corners do not result in goals. The United States now has two ties - more than in my closet - and a loss in three games for a total of 2 points in pool play. The USA squad has games remaining against New Zealand and Great Britain in pool plays. Sparing all the permutations of possibilities, a pair of wins is likely necessary for the Americans to advance to the knockout medal round. Only the top two teams from the six in each of two pools advance. Germany leads the pool with 9 points followed by Japan with 4 and the United States and Argentina each with 2. Great Britain has 1 and New Zealand has 0.

JOSE CUERVO - I have a beach volleyball neon sign given to me by someone who had access to the storage room at the Rusty Rudder from back in the Jay Prettyman days. Jay and I used to be related because our dogs were brothers, but when the dogs passed as per Sussex County kinship rules you become a cousin to owners of your new dog’s siblings. I don’t mind beach volleyball and I know in the resort area it goes way back to enthusiasts who had regulation courts and tournaments in their back yard like the McMahons on Route 24 but why so much Olympic primetime coverage? I feel like I’m being played by advertisers, which is the case. Viewers will legitimize anything as a sport if you show it to them enough - like Texas Hold ‘Em tournaments on ESPN.

SLIT-EYED SPANIARDS - Team Spain’s basketball players posed for a team picture by pulling at the corners of their eyes to mimic the Chinese. The worldwide outraged-and-appalled tribe of troubadours won’t let go of this but in the countries of Spain and China it is getting no play whatsoever. Just when I think I’m as dumb as the next person - excluding President Bush - somebody authorizes the publication of a demeaning photo that succeeds in insulting half the people on the planet.

DIMINSHED RETURNS - What is excessive to one person is moderation to another. Years ago a forward-data-gathering scout for a proposed Wellness Center visited my psychology class at Cape. She asked the class to define a social drinker. They all just sat there so I raised my hand. “Three to five beers a day, except on weekends when happy hour and sports tailgates ramp up the action to include Jell-O shooters, shots or permafrost Schnapps and anything with a funny name handed to you in a plastic cup.

She requested I leave and I acquiesced, going for a caffeine-booster shot and the kids all wanted to go with me because the preacher is often the only one in the room having fun. I see athletes who are way beyond moderation every day going all undernourished and enhanced with everything from Ephedrine to testosterone and Botox, which is a neurotoxin protein derived from actual bacterium. Does the word botulism mean anything to you?

SNIPPETS - Carmelo Anthony, LeBron James, Dwight Howard and Tayshaun Prince of the men’s USA Olympic basketball team all played in Cape’s Little Big House. Duke University Hall of Fame coach Mike Krzyzewski made several visits to the Slam Dunk tournament to scout talent.