Ignominious ending just the beginning

Americans die in full-powered slippery bathrooms every morning. “Ignominious endings,” my grandmother called them. Let’s say you’re washing your oily hair, which mixes with conditioner, causing a ceramic chum slick, and if you go down and smack the marble threshold with your head, you are toast without the marmalade.

Let’s not even get into devices powered by electricity or why the clueless guy up the street lacking eyeball synchronicity goes by the nickname “Circuit City.”

Last Wednesday morning, my feet hit the floor only to step on Darby Dog, and as I struggled and kept my balance he spontaneously thought “it was on” and bared his teeth ready to fight.

Then in the bathroom, I failed the gargle test and spit back droplets of Scope onto the chest of my maroon Under Armour shirt - and speaking of underarms, I lifted my sleeve to spray Right Guard but missed and went aerosol on my eyeballs and staggered into my world with temporary blindness.

Later that afternoon at Wesley College, I was leaning against the stadium fence talking to Billy Schaeffer and watching John Coveleski’s Del Tech Hawks play lacrosse when the buzz of a hardball was quickly followed by a long foul ball bouncing off my head.

The long “no joke poke” was a left-field wind-driven foul and actually caught my lower jaw and crook of my neck.

“If that had been a little higher it wouldn’t have been so funny,” I said to Billy, who responded, “I never thought it was funny.” And that’s why he’s a better person than me, because if I were talking to him during a lacrosse game and a ball from another sport inexplicably bounced off his head, I’m pretty sure I’m laughing.

HEADS UP - Before we even talk about YMCA leagues and Little Leagues, there is Travel Ball and Atlantic Lacrosse and 10 high school teams, not to mention the road-racing scene.

And if the fat lazy kid on the end of the couch is related to you, it may be a good idea to get that child moving while he or she can before you’re looking at fruit-looped hair and multiple head piercings and trying to convince yourself there are no esteem issues at play or proclivities to break laws.

Please write to me at davefredman@comcast.net with any suggestions for coverage on tips on athletes doing extraordinary things like showing up for practices and being respectful.

TAILGATE DIFFERENTIAL - The Sept. 19 Delaware State at Delaware regular season football game will begin at noon, and if you think slowing down the inebriation quotient prior to kickoff wasn’t a factor, then you don’t know Jack Daniels. Delaware students have gotten so out of control their keg parties are moved to large fields off campus, and some of those students even snake to the game early to rock the clackers in the student section. I have been to Del State games, and the parking lots are not about drinking; in fact, I can’t recall seeing a single alcohol-flowing-freely tailgate party. Tickets for that game should be bought now while no one is thinking about anything except the World Baseball Classic. Here is a press release with language direct from Delaware: “Single game tickets for the historic irst-ever regular season meeting between Delaware and Delaware State will feature premium prices this year with all tickets sold for $30. Season ticket packages do not include the additional cost of the Delaware State game. Parking at Delaware is $15. Single game tickets go on sale June 1 at ticketmaster.com or by calling 302-984-2000.”

SNIPPETS - The big question before March Madness begins is when to buy the flat-screen high-definition television and what size and should you go for - the 1080p or 720p - because all Discovery Channel wonderment aside, you are sports guy; it’s where you begin and end. And forget it, there is no way Pitt is winning a national championship in basketball. Go with North Carolina!

The Eagles fired a part-time sometimes physically handicapped neighborhood employee for calling the organization “retarded” on his Facebook page for not re-signing Brian Dawkins. The story was picked up by ESPN and a nationwide online poll was 85 percent in the guy’s favor, but not me, because if you rock the “retarded card,” I’m in favor of the “Who’s retarded now?” response. I do not want to hear about multi-million dollar professional contracts, but I would like to see the tax returns of people who get handed bonus checks worth $10 million or more. Where is that story? In the course of a man’s lifetime from high school to heathcare lockdown, I wonder how much weight and waist size change. In the case of football linemen, I’m saying 100 pounds and six pants sizes, and that’s on the conservative side. Speaking of expanding six pants sizes, conservatives, what is up with Rush? That joker got a big head. Yo!